(Excuse My French but) FML

Original plans for today:  Go to court to contest a traffic ticket where the officer gave me a ticket for running a yellow light that changed as I was halfway under it.

Actual events for today:  Alarm goes off.  "What time is it?"  "6:30."  "Okay . . . crap!  I was supposed to meet C at 7:00!"

Skip shower. Pull hair into a bun.  Dress and run out of the house with Mr. Gaelic to drop him off at the subway.  Tap the ears to make sure the earrings are there which reminds Mr. G to check for his phone, billfold, belt.  "Forgot the belt!  Let me out here and I'll take the bus."

Arrive at meeting place.  No C.  "Didn't she call last week to cancel?  I can't remember.  I think she did."  Get back in car and drive home.

Log onto office computer from home and check email.  Deirdre calls and needs me to bring her literature binder to school by 11:00.  Find binder in her room and place it next to my purse.  Okay, traffic court is at 9:30.  "I should take it before court."

Look out window at Baby, next-door-neighbor's dog, and dog from around the corner playing in yard.  Baby is a 140-pound, eight-year-old Great Pyrenees.  Go to front door to say hello to neighbor from around the corner.  "Baby is limping?  Did you know she's limping?"  "I just saw her and she was fine."  Sure enough, Baby is barely able to walk.

Call the vet to get an appointment as soon as possible.  "We have 10:30 and 11:15."  "Uh, I have a 9:30 meeting and I'm not sure when I'll be out.  Do you have anything later?"  "1:00."  "I'll take it."

The clock says 8:50.  Not enough time to get to the high school and back to the courthouse by 9:30.  But she needs the binder by 11:00.  And, oh dear!  Deirdre is driving the truck today.  Baby can't ride in the car.  There's not enough room for her.  And the gas gauge says 11 miles to empty.

Drive to the courthouse and find two-hour on-street parking.  Walk into anteroom and realize I'm the only Anglo there.  How many other cases will be called before mine?  How many will need interpreters?  No time for this! 

Find the cashier's window and pay the fine.  There goes my clean driving record!  And it was yellow when I when through it! 

On way to car, see friend from church whom I haven't seen in months.  Talk briefly.  Once in car again realize Deirdre's binder is still on the kitchen counter.  Lack of breakfast is catching up with me.  Need coffee!

Call Mr. G for moral support.  He offers to help me get Baby to the vet.  Stop by house to shower, fix hair, change clothes, and retrieve binder.  Drive to high school to leave binder.  Gas gauge down to 3 miles to empty.  Pull into gas station and, while filling up, watch verbal fight between female driver trying to pull to pump and male cabbie blocking the lane.  Station manager intervenes.  "Please don't let me get caught as an eye-witness to an assault."  No time for that.

Swing by Mickey D's for drive-thru latte.  The Starbucks across the parking lot requires getting out of car and standing in long line.  No time for that.  Mr. G calls to say he'll be at home subway station in 15 minutes.  Stop by house to check office emails.  Back in car to pick up Mr. G.  On way to high school with Mr. G's truck keys, boss calls for explanation of what meetings were moved and canceled on today's calendar.  He doesn't follow my explanation and hangs up.  Mr. G repeats back to me what he heard and it's exactly right.

Deposit Mr. G next to truck.  He offers to stop at Mickey D's for lunch.  "May I have a sweet tea as well?"  Back at house, type email to boss with minute detail of which meetings were moved and canceled.  Mr. G arrives, takes his burger upstairs to eat as he changes clothes.  Wolf down my burger standing over kitchen sink.

Together, lift Baby into back of truck.  Mr. G helps me get her inside the vet's office then steps out for conference call on his cell.  Vet tells me that she tore the left ACL.  She tore the right ACL two years ago.  As he tells me this, both of us sitting in the floor with Baby, he looks like he's about to cry.  Reading his mind, ponder whether the high cost of the surgery offsets Baby's age for such a gentle giant of a dog.  Immediately ask about surgery rather than any other option.

Mr. G helps me get Baby into truck again.  At home, Baby refuses our help and attempts to jump out of back of truck.  In jumping, she knocks the tailgate open against the side of my head.  Fall into car parked behind us, then to curb.  Mr. G doesn't know who to help first, Baby or me.  Give Baby pain medicine.  She whimpers as she sleeps.  Want to cuddle her but she needs rest.

Decide to work from home rest of day as does Mr. G.  At some point temperature drops.  Mr. G builds fire.  Heat up leftover spaghetti.  Wonder if had lunch.  Don't remember.  Then see cup from Mickey D's.

Want to send text to Finola saying, "FML."  Will recount story and she'll understand.

All in a Day's Work

Ring, ring. [abridged office phone call - actual lasted about 20 minutes]

Gaelic: This is Gaelic.

Caller: Hi, Miss Gaelic. This is Marcus Brown. I'm calling to tell you that you won three five five million dollars.

Gaelic: [mental alarms going off]

MB: We want to deliver the check to you today. Can I have your address?

G: Do you know who you're calling?

MB: Yes.  Miss Gaelic.  What is your address?

G: [decides to play along] U.S. Capitol Building, Washington, DC.

MB: I'm sorry.  That's not a valid address.

G: Try this. One one zero zero Longworth Building, Washington, DC 20515.

MB: Our company will pay 99% of the tax bill.  You just have to pay 1% of the tax bill.

G: Oh, really?

MB: Just send a money order to Courtney Evans, Brownstown, JAWI, St. Ann.  As soon as the check is deposited I'll call you back.

G: Do you know where you're calling?

MB: Yes.  Miss Gaelic.  I'll call you back as soon as the check is deposited.

G: Okay, but before I go I just wanted to make sure you know who you're talking to.  I work for the United States government and I've had you on the phone long enough to have this call traced.

MB: [dial tone - he hung up]

Dial, dial, dial. 

Committee Staff: Financial Services Committee.  How may I help you?

G: [explains preceding phone call]

CS: Just a minute.  We have a Secret Service agent detailed to the committee.  Let me get him.

Secret Service Agent: Can you give me all the details you have?

G: [repeats story to SSA complete with notes taken during phone call]

SSA:  [finds the phone number registered as a cell phone in Sarasota, FL]

SSA:  It's probably a Nigerian scam that wires the money through Jamaica.

G:  But he called on my office phone.

SSA:  It's probably some sweat shop where they're going down a list of numbers.

SSA:  [finds address that I gave him in, wait for it... Jamaica]

SSA:  There are one-star generals who have lost thousands of dollars in scams like this.  It's a good thing you were smart enough not to get hooked.

G:  [thinking to self - If I won $355,000,000, I don't think they'd be asking for 1% in taxes.  And besides, don't people watch TV, read the paper, or listen to the radio to know about these scams?]

Just in case you didn't know about these scams or you assumed they would never call you, think again.  They're out there.  And you've been warned.

Oh, and if you ever do get one of these calls, take copious notes and let me know.  I'll put you in touch with a really nice Secret Service agent who'll send the report to Headquarters.

Mulligan Goo

I'm taking a do-over on today. Complete with crawling back into bed with the covers over my head. Let's recap the day so far:

• It's raining.
• While on the phone, I walked out to get in the car not remembering that I was on the land line not my cell phone. I promised my husband I'd call him back on the cell phone when I was in the car.
• At ballet on the first plié, my tights ripped in the crotch seam.
• On the second plié, my knee popped and I ended up wearing a knee brace during the rest of class.
• After class in checking my email on the Blackberry, my lech of an archery coach wants me to deliver his Girl Scout cookies tomorrow morning.
• I finally remembered to call my husband back while running errands.
• On the way home, I drove right past the pharmacy and forgot to drop off my daughter's prescription.
• As I was changing from my ballet outfit back to my civvies, the cat pushed the door open right when I was buck naked and the three guys working on the gardening next door got a cheap thrill.

Methinks I should stop while I'm behind.

Talk Shirty to Me

How hard is it to schedule a little nookie? Get out your PDA. Let's compare schedules.

"Thursday night?"

"Nope, got belay training. What about Saturday morning?"

"Isn't that the Bar Mitzvah? What about Sunday?"

"We've got the Girl Scout cookie booth after which I'll just want to sleep. What about Monday or Tuesday morning?"

"I've got meetings those mornings."

"What about phone sex while I'm running errand? I've got to pick up the laundry on Monday after ballet."

"Okay, then, between dancing and dry cleaning you can whisper sweet nothings through the phone line."

"Deal. Now could I go to sleep, please? My meds are making me woozy."

Tomorrow?

Am I sad because it rains or does it rain because I'm sad? My mood and the weather have been on par the past few days. Misty.

As a full-time mom, I spend a lot of time in the car running errands, running kids places, what have you. "Stay-at-home mom" is a misnomer.

Usually my routine would be that when I'm in the car I use the time for phone calls. Okay, don't lecture me on the hazards of driving while on the cell phone. That routine was shattered several weeks ago.

My favorite drive-time phone buddy was my father. We'd talk about nothing, and everything. Since I've been back home, my drives have been much lonelier.

Yesterday as I was driving around in the drizzle, I picked up my phone and had to stop myself from pressing his speed-dial number. Instead, I started calling anyone else I could think of. Almost all of my girlfriends have office jobs and couldn't talk. My other friends were out of pocket and couldn't be reached. Moving down the list, I called my favorite aunt. My uncle told me she was out shopping. She doesn't own a cell phone. I love my uncle, but he's not who I wanted to talk to.

When will the sun come out?