30.4.09

A Complete 179

After yesterday, the only way things could go was up. And up they did. But it didn't look like it would at the start of my day.

You know how you set a time for service "professionals" to be at your house. Regardless of what service they provide - be it the cable guy, the plumber, the refrigerator delivery man, you name it - and that time isn't a hard and fast rule. It's more of a suggestion.

Which means that the roofers putting a new roof on our garage were over an hour late. I rejiggered my schedule and voila! My day wasn't a complete and total disaster.

Around noon-ish, I got to have an awesome workout. My heart rate was in the cardio zone for a sustained period; I didn't have any pressure on my knees so no pain from yesterday. The air in the space was cool so that as my body temperature went up I didn't end up a complete mess.

I talked to a friend who I hadn't been able to connect with in quite a while. Since I expended so many calories, I treated myself to a healthy lunch of McDonald's topped off with a sweet tea.

Life is good.

29.4.09

Mulligan Goo

I'm taking a do-over on today. Complete with crawling back into bed with the covers over my head. Let's recap the day so far:
  • It's raining.
  • While on the phone, I walked out to get in the car not remembering that I was on the land line not my cell phone. I promised my husband I'd call him back on the cell phone when I was in the car.
  • At ballet on the first pliĆ©, my tights ripped in the crotch seam.
  • On the second pliĆ©, my knee popped and I ended up wearing a knee brace during the rest of class.
  • After class in checking my email on the Blackberry, my lech of an archery coach wants me to deliver his Girl Scout cookies tomorrow morning.
  • I finally remembered to call my husband back while running errands.
  • On the way home, I drove right past the pharmacy and forgot to drop off my daughter's prescription.
  • As I was changing from my ballet outfit back to my civvies, the cat pushed the door open right when I was buck naked and the three guys working on the gardening next door got a cheap thrill.

Methinks I should stop while I'm behind.

Emoticon?


In place of words, today's blog will be in pictures.

Today's mood around here...


28.4.09

Old Lady Disease

My husband will be speaking at a conference in Tuscon and needed a head shot for the bios on the group's website. Since he doesn't have professional head shots and needed them like last week, he asked me to take a few pictures of him against a neutral background at home.

I zoomed in with the digital camera and counted to three. FLASH! ZIP! I looked at the proof quickly. He blinked.

"Let me try another one."

FLASH! ZIP! He blinked again.

"Don't blink!"

FLASH! ZIP! Again!

I broke down laughing. "Don't do that!"

FLASH! ZIP! Again!

My laughing became hysterical. "Don't blink!"

FLASH! ZIP! Again!

I couldn't stand up straight, doubled over guffawing. Tears began to run down my cheeks and my sides hurt.

We tried more, each time with the same results. I could barely steady the camera anymore. I doubled over with such laughter. I was scared that I might wet myself I was laughing so hard. But, thankfully, I'm not THAT old yet!

27.4.09

Lunching the Numbers

Several airlines have announced that they'll start charging passengers who are angularly challenged for two seats if the passenger is too large to fasten the seat belt. [Disclaimer from the editor: The author has several close friends who are angularly challenged and hopes that after posting this blog she will continue to have said friends.]

Quite honestly, it's been a long time coming. But the airlines have it all wrong. Most people know that the more weight you're carrying, the more fuel it takes, whether you're in a car, on a plane, or just expending your own calories to walk up the stairs. During the recent soaring prices for oil, it became much too expensive to haul around extra weight. The AAA suggested that people remove all that junk from their cars to lighten the load and reduce the need for gas. Airlines began charging for any checked baggage. Anything over fifty pounds incurred an additional fee.

But that was just checked luggage. On a recent flight, I checked my bag because I didn't want to have to lift it into the overhead compartment due to my back injury. I paid the extra cost for the convenience even though the bag was carry-on size and low in weight. Yet the man seated next to me brought on his carry-on suitcase and his computer bag, one of which was stuffed with much more than I carried in my suitcase and purse combined. Then he fought to lower himself between the armrests and fasten the seat belt around his girth. He would have been the perfect candidate for the two-seat rule.

I realized that I am subsidizing his weight because the airline offsets the cost of the extra fuel needed for flights carrying more weight by charging more for their tickets all around. If I were the Empress of the World, airlines would have people stand on those big scales at the ticket counter with all their luggage. The airfare would be based on the person's and their luggage's total weight. No more need to charge extra for a second seat if the person couldn't fasten the seat belt.

Airlines could be more honest with customers about the cost of flying. People would realize their environmental impact of using more fuel to fly the planes. People wouldn't sneak all the heavy purchases into their carry-on luggage so as to not have to pay the premium for overweight checked bags. Maybe then the airlines could afford to give us real food rather than a bagel and cream cheese and call it dinner.

26.4.09

Better Off Said

There’s an old home movie that plays in my head. In the scene, the little redheaded girl wears a short dress, dating the movie from the late ‘60s. There’s a dirt road with nothing but brushes alongside. Down the edge of the road runs a small trickle of a stream. The little girl stoops down and scoops up a pebble which she quickly pops in her mouth. The father just as quickly sweeps her little mouth with his finger.

I’m not sure why that particular scene keeps running through my thoughts.

The past week has been almost a blur, fuzzy, snippets of life caught between lucidity and la-la-land. A friend who dropped by unannounced one day was stunned by the number of meds in my pill caddy. There’re enough narcotics in my house to bring the wrath of Nancy Reagan excepting that they all have labels slapped on the front with the prescribers’ DEA numbers.

My back injury and the accompanying meds to relieve the discomfort prevent me from fulfilling my duties in my chosen profession, homemaker – the third oldest according to Erma Brombeck, immediately following prostitution and motherhood. It’s an invisible injury, unlike a broken leg, and it’s one without a definite timeline for recovery, unlike a broken leg. Regardless, I beat myself up for not being able to do the work I chose to do. There’s guilt for having muddy paw prints on my wooden floors, for not meeting my youngest at the bus stop every day, for not having supper on the table when my husband gets home, and for being so off-schedule on my sleep cycle that my routines no longer seem to coincide with anyone who means anything to me.

It’s not as easy as removing a pebble from a child’s mouth. Although it’s as hard to chew as a pebble. It was simpler then, in the ridges of the mountains. It was more comforting then, in the arms of my father. The loop begins again. The little hand reaches into the cold water and pulls out a shiny round rock. It’s frozen in time. And in my mind.

24.4.09

Belated Earth Day

With the warmth of the sun returning to my part of the universe, today feels like a day to celebrate my Mother Earth. Here to help in that celebration are some websites.

Enjoy. And always remember that...

The first day of spring is one thing, and the first spring day is another. The difference between them is sometimes as great as a month. ~Henry Van Dyke

23.4.09

Behind the Curtain

"Forgive me Father. It's been too long since my last confession."

"What brings you here today?"

"I caught myself wanting to shoplift just this morning."

"What did you intend to steal?"

"I saw this little ditty on a friend's Facebook page, and well, it was early and I hadn't even finished eating breakfast, and I thought it would be a fast way to blog."

"Tell me, my child. Is that any way to treat your readers? To stolen merchandise?"

"Oh, I was going to change all the answers to my answers, just use the questions."

"And does that make it right?"

"Maybe not. But it does make it fast and easy."

"And do you want to be known to your readers as a fast and easy girl?"

"Well, no, sir."

"So do you repent and promise to return to the fold of originality?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Then write with conviction, stay off Facebook, and go out and experience life so that you'll have your own thoughts and experiences to blog about."

"Thank you, sir. So am I forgiven?"

"Don't ask me. Ask your readers."

22.4.09

Hunt of the Litter

Devotees of Flylady know how to clean thoroughly. She breaks your house into five Zones that you focus on deep cleaning for one week a month. Okay, not every month has that fifth week; so Zone 5 isn’t hit very often. Each day of the week for each Zone is a different part of the room(s) so that everything doesn’t have to be finished in one day.

When the Zone for the main bathroom rolled around recently, it got a major once-over. One day was scrubbing the toilet and around the base. One day was scrubbing the sink. Another day was washing out the trash cans. The day for washing out the trash cans is a good day to wash out the kitty litter pan and wipe down the wall near the pan.


It just happened to be a really nice day; so after scrubbing the pan, I left it outside in the sun to dry. And proceeded to run my errands.

Hmm, must have been gone too long because the cats greeted me at the door with a scolding meow. Quickly retrieving the litter pan and putting a liner in, I discovered that no one had put kitty litter on the grocery list and we were out. By the time we got back from the store with litter there was already a yellow puddle in the liner.

Such good cats! Waiting for their litter pan to be returned. But not caring if there was litter or not. At least my floors don’t smell like cat pee.

21.4.09

Strip on the Radar

Headlines need to grab a person’s attention. If you see a tidbit of something of interest, you’ll want to read more. A good deal of my news comes from reading things online – the newspaper, news blogs, friends’ blogs and just plain gossip. Most of the gossip comes from reading Facebook rather than Blogger.

As with most social websites, you post a profile picture. However, I for one do not take good photos. I’m not a bad photographer. I’m a very poor subject. I dislike the way I look in pictures something fierce.

When it came time to upload a picture for the profile, the least of all evils made the cut. Just barely. Then the most perfect idea sprang into my head. Profile pictures don’t have to be of the person they’re profiling. They could be expressive of the person’s mood or activity at any given time.

What better way to express my fiercely non-PC ways but with vintage pinup girls in various poses! So far, the girls in my profile have warmed themselves by the fire, wished visitors a Happy Easter, luxuriated in a field of flowers, swung on a gate, gone on a picnic, played with a puppy, and many other activities.

Maybe a daily or weekly pinup girl would spruce things up around here and catch more people’s attention. Finally put me on the map. What d’ya think?

20.4.09

The Good, The Dad, and The Ugly

What is it about men? When they help out around the house, do they all only do the barest minimum to squeak by? Do they all subconsciously sabotage our organizational systems by trying to be "helpful"? Do they all unwittingly instruct the next generation in half-hearted attempts at housework?

How many times have I come home to smiling faces and been greeted with "Daddy helped us clean house today" only to find dust still on the coffee tables and dust bunnies mating in the corners?

Just this morning I grabbed a set of sheets from the linen closet to change the only twin bed in the house when I realized it wasn't a twin set but a full set that had been mixed in with all the twin sets. When I got flustered and started quizzing the only other person who folds the linens, he retorted that the closet was too full with all the new towels I've bought. The last time I got new towels was almost three years ago.

I sometimes feel like I'm living with the Bill Cosby-"Chocolate Cake for Breakfast"-style of father whose mantra is "Do it wrong the first time and they'll never ask you to help them out again."

17.4.09

Two Conversations

"If you're running errands today, can you pick up some bourbon at the liquor store? If I'm having a drink every night, I don't want to go through a $50 bottle of scotch too quickly."

"Sure."

********

"I'll take you over here."

[Sound of bourbon bottle being put on the counter.]

"May I see your I.D.?"

"Really?"

"I need to see your I.D." his voice flattens.

"Do you card everyone?" as I whip out my driver's license.

Looking at the birth date, "No, ma'am."

He just made my day, my week, my year!

16.4.09

Caught on Kitty-Cam

Stupid bird.

She nested on the outside transom above our front door. You can see her plainly through the fanlight as you come downstairs. To get a really good look at her, you need to stand on tippy-toe on the bottom stair. It's a good nest, dry, out of the weather, not in a tree where it could be bothered by squirrels or other forms of local fauna. But she's stupid to build it there.

Every time anyone opens the door she flies away, dive bombing you on her way to the front fence where she sits and scolds you and tries to divert your attention from her nest. Like you're not going to notice a nest above the front door. Everyone notices the nest. The kids next door, the mailman who hates the bird but loves our big dog, everyone. Even our cats. Who are indoor cats. Never-go-outside cats. Ever.

They can see her through the fanlight from the stairs. One cat is intent on getting the bird for himself. He just has to figure out how. He has taken to jumping up on the newel post at the bottom of the stairs and standing up on his haunches to see the bird. He'll meow constantly wanting to get to the bird.

Yesterday I was in the living room doing housework when the cat was coming down the stairs. He stopped halfway to look at the bird. I know what must have been running through his head.

"If I jump up on the handrail, I can be even higher."

Stupid cat.

He jumps up on the rail and immediately his legs land on either side of the rail, straddling it with his chest and belly, his chin landing on the rail itself. With only fur touching the polished wood, his little body slides down towards the curved newel. BAM! His chin rams into the curve of the wood. Unfazed, he hops up on his hind legs and stretches his long, lean body to eye the bird and starts mrowing again. Mrow, mrow, mrow.

In fact he just reprised the entire scene for my benefit this morning. Unfortunately, I'm the only one who's seen this spectacle. If only I had a kitty-cam so I could post it on America's Stupid Pet Tricks.

15.4.09

God Help Us

Make sure your car insurance is up to date and your will has been written and signed. My second daughter got her learner’s permit over the weekend. God help us all.

14.4.09

Bloody Fantastic!

It was posted on YouTube three days ago and has already logged over 2.6 MILLION views. As the friend who shared it with me said, "If this doesn't inspire you, nothing will."

13.4.09

It's in the Can

So much for writing blogs and holding them for when my muse decides to sleep in or take a long weekend. I copied a friend's Facebook posting yesterday to hold until needed. I needed it today.

Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. My muse has flown the coop. Again.

So I pulled up yesterday's copied Song Game blog. Checked it again to see how it looked. And hit Publish.

AHN! Since I started copying it BEFORE I began the post that I actually posted last night, Blogger threw it on my site down the list under last night's post. So much for saving things for later use. They don't end up at the top of the blog list. Does this bother anyone else or is it just me?

12.4.09

What's in Your Basket?

The Easter Bunny didn't stop at our house last night. My youngest agreed to give him this year off. Not that she doesn't believe in him, mind you. We just opted to fill our Easter baskets with something more meaningful this year.

Easter baskets? Meaningful?

Yep. A friend of a friend who is Eastern Orthodox told me of the tradition. Remember way back in February? Ash Wednesday? The beginning of Lent? Remember we all gave up something for Lent? Well, if Easter heralds their return to our lives, what better place for them to appear than in our Easter baskets?

My husband's Easter basket was filled with two different single malts. Mine had a Starbucks gift card. The eldest child's had Anime books. The second's had teenage fashion magazines. And the youngest's? Her basket was brimming with candy. All sorts. Runts, jelly beans, fudge, Air Heads, Starburst, SweeTarts, and chocolate!

It was very hard seeing those baskets sitting on the bookcase in the dining room just waiting for Easter. Knowing that our baskets would be individualized made Lent and the baskets themselves more meaningful to all of us. Even those of us who have been jaded about the Easter Bunny. I think that we'll give the Easter Bunny his gold watch. Our Lenten Easter baskets are here to stay.

Song Game

So I ripped this off a Facebook friend. Anyway... Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 10 people and include me!

Pick Your Artist: David Bowie

Are you male or female: Queen Bitch

Describe yourself: Rebel Rebel

How do you feel about yourself: It Ain’t Easy

Describe where you currently live: Suffragette City

If you could go anywhere, where would you go to: African Night Flight

Your best friend is: All the Young Dudes

Your favorite color is: Red Sails

You know that: Dancing in the Street

What's the weather like: She Shook Me Cold

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?: Brilliant Adventure

What is life to you: Modern Love

What is the best advice you have to give: Hang Onto Yourself

If you could change your name, what would it be: Blue Jean

Your favorite food is: Drive-In Saturday

Harder than it sounds, no?

11.4.09

Peep Show

OMG! Can you believe what some peeps are doing? What will they think of next? You've got to see THIS.

10.4.09

Q&A&A

To answer the burning questions of last week...

1) What did I learn to drive in?
a) 1965 green Mustang convertible
b) 1980 Chevy Chevette
c) 1972 green AMC Gremlin - 2-door 3-on-the-floor hatchback
d) 1979 white Cadillac convertible

2) What is my favorite season?
a) Spring
b) Summer
c) Winter
d) Fall - preferably in the mountains

3) If I were diagnosed with a terminal disease, what would I do?
a) Cash out my life insurance and go climb Mt. Everest - if I'm gonna die, better have some fun beforehand
b) Enroll in every clinical trial I could find
c) Write a book
d) Throw a pity party and invite everyone I know

4) What do I snack on at a movie?
a) Junior mints
b) Popcorn - with butter
c) Nachos
d) Sour patch kids

5) What am I scared of?
a) Spiders
b) Heights
c) Snakes - even pictures in books and on TV or movies
d) The dark

6) What color predominates my closet?
a) Navy
b) Black
c) Brown - like the colors of Autumn
d) Beige

7) What is my favorite store to shop in?
a) Abercrombie & Fitch
b) Gap
c) Target
d) Nordstrom's - I didn't say I do it often

8) How many years did it take me to graduate from university?
a) 3 - Miss Smartypants - thanks to testing out of history, French and calculus
b) 4 - Right on time!
c) 5 - I missed one credit hour
d) Um - Don't tell my parents that I didn't

9) My favorite chip flavor is _________.
a) Barbecue
b) Ruffles Original
c) Salt and Vinegar - makes me pucker
d) Sour cream and Onion

10) What was my first pet's name?
a) Marmalade
b) Tiger
c) Calico
d) Sunshine - an orange tabby

11) What is my favorite Disney movie?
a) Beauty and the Beast
b) Mulan - strong female lead who doesn't do everything in hopes of a man
c) Cars
d) Toy Story

12) Favorite childhood game is ___________.
a) Tag
b) Hide and go seek - the pro of hiding
c) Monopoly
d) Chutes and ladders

13) I secretly would like to be a ______ for a day?
a) Famous Singer/Actor
b) CIA Agent - thanks to my academic advisor who was a recruiter
c) President
d) Dictator

14) My favorite sport to watch is ________.
a) Football - any SEC team
b) Baseball
c) Soccer
d) Basketball

15) If I had to eat the same kind of food for a month what type would it be?
a) Mexican
b) Chinese
c) Indian
d) Italian - so many to choose from

16) My favorite drink is _______?
a) Pinot noir
b) Guinness
c) Cosmopolitan
d) Old Fashioned - love my bourbon

17) Where would I spend my vacation?
a) The mountains - reminds me of home
b) The beach
c) The Big Apple
d) The Big Easy

18) If I was running out of my burning house, what item would I grab?
a) Purse/wallet
b) Photos - reminds me of family
c) Shoes
d) Cell phone

19) What perfume do I wear?
a) Nuit de Noho - Bond No. 9 - because my other fav only sells in Europe
b) Chanel No. 5 - Chanel
c) Beautiful - Estee Lauder
d) Opium - Yves Saint Laurent

20) What did I want to be when I was little?
a) Ballerina - my teacher told me I was too tall to dance professionally
b) Teacher
c) Spy
d) Lawyer

How'd everyone do?

3.4.09

We're Leaving in Ten Minutes!

After meeting my Austrian exchange student at the subway stop, he informs me he and his best friend want to go to a store before going to the Farewell Dinner.

"Sure."

"We'll walk home."

"Where's the store?"

"[Rhymes with stove] Street."

"Do you mean [rhymes with love] Street?"

If English is your second language, sometimes you have trouble with street names when there's no context. So I offer to drive them to the store then to my house to hang out before the dinner. As my car pulls around the curve I ask them if they're sure there's a store back here.

"Ja, there it is," the friend points to an army supply store.

For the size of the store, they sure are in there a long time. But they bring out their purchases and we head home. At some point, my house became inhabited by four American teenage girls. When I drive up with three Austrian teenage boys, I wonder if I should read them the Riot Act. But they settle into the family room in front of the TV.

I putter around the kitchen gathering the snack foods for the dinner. The music is loud coming from the library. The TV blares on the other side of the kitchen from the family room. Concern slips out of my mind until I realize that the TV and the stereo are both on but not a single person is to be found downstairs.

Upstairs I go with the pretense of getting ready for the dinner. One bedroom with an open door has three American girls and one Austrian boy. I inquire where my other daughter is. "In her room," is the answer. Two deep voices are heard from behind the second closed door. About that time she peeps out of her room to see what's going on. Aha! She not in there with them.

Having two teenager daughters is a full-time job. Having four teenage girls and three teenage boys under the same roof is daunting. Countdown to Dinner time has begun!

2.4.09

How Well Do You Know Me?

This may be difficult for all but a handful of folks. But try your hand at it and I'll give you the answers at a later date.

1) What did I learn to drive in?
a)
1965 green Mustang convertible
b) 1980 Chevy Chevette
c) 1972 green AMC Gremlin
d) 1979 white Cadillac convertible

2) What is my favorite season?
a) Spring
b) Summer
c) Winter
d) Fall

3) If I were diagnosed with a terminal disease, what would I do?
a) Cash out my life insurance and go climb Mt. Everest
b) Enroll in every clinical trial I could find
c) Write a book
d) Throw a pity party and invite everyone I know

4) What do I snack on at a movie?
a) Junior mints
b) Popcorn
c) Nachos
d) Sour patch kids

5) What am I scared of?
a) Spiders
b) Heights
c) Snakes
d) The dark

6) What color predominates my closet?
a) Navy
b) Black
c) Brown
d) Beige

7) What is my favorite store to shop in?
a) Abercrombie & Fitch
b) Gap
c) Target
d) Nordstrom's

8) How many years did it take me to graduate from university?
a) 3 - Miss Smartypants
b) 4 - Right on time!
c) 5 - I missed one credit hour
d) Um - Don't tell my parents that I didn't

9) My favorite chip flavor is _________.
a) Barbeque
b) Ruffles Original
c) Salt and Vinegar
d) Sour cream and Onion

10) What was my first pet's name?
a) Marmalade
b) Tiger
c) Calico
d) Sunshine

11) What is my favorite Disney movie?
a) Beauty and the Beast
b) Mulan
c) Cars
d) Toy Story

12) Favorite childhood game is ___________.
a) Tag
b) Hide and go seek
c) Monopoly
d) Chutes and ladders

13) I secretly would like to be a ______ for a day?
a) Famous Singer/Actor
b) CIA Agent
c) President
d) Dictator

14) My favorite sport to watch is ________.
a) Football
b) Baseball
c) Soccer
d) Basketball

15) If I had to eat the same kind of food for a month what type would it be?
a) Mexican
b) Chinese
c) Indian
d) Italian

16) My favorite drink is _______?
a) Pinot noir
b) Guiness
c) Cosmopolitan
d) Old Fashioned

17) Where would I spend my vacation?
a) The mountains
b) The beach
c) The Big Apple
d) The Big Easy

18) If I was running out of my burning house, what item would I grab?
a) Purse/wallet
b) Photos
c) Shoes
d) Cell phone

19) What perfume do I wear?
a) Nuit de Noho - Bond No. 9
b) Chanel No. 5 - Chanel
c) Beautiful - Estee Lauder
d) Opium - Yves Saint Laurent

20) What did I want to be when I was little?
a) Ballerina
b) Teacher
c) Spy
d) Lawyer

1.4.09

Down the Habit Hole

Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in a very exclusive gated community. A gated community with only one house, one dog, and one apple tree. The girl was an empress whose empire stretched far and wide, all the way to the brick wall and the iron gate. The girl reigned over her dominion with a velvet glove which she also used to test for dust on the mantle.

The boy, er, emperor was happy. Their supreme highnesses were happy. The dog was happy. The girl had a soul that couldn't be held within a brick-and-iron enclosure. The girl longed for the open spaces of her youth spent in a foreign land. A youth of bare feet and mockingbirds and the warm tilled soil of a garden patch on the side of the mountain ridge.

The girl's soul flitted from one project to another, each an artistic expression of who she thought she was. Each one had its roots in her childhood at her mother's knee, all except the lone expression with its roots at the end of Julie Child's pen.

The girl's fascination and adoration of the pen itself prodded her to fill countless blank-page books and empty gigabytes with her prose. Stories were everywhere, in the frozen pose of a delicate porcelain figurine, in her everyday life, in her vivid imagination of the world when she would be restored to her throne. Writing for the girl was a pleasure that flowed from her fingertips so effortlessly that whole days spent writing could pass by in the blink of an eye.

One day, the girl awoke to find that her emoting needed an eloquent pacemaker. A doctor was called. He took a look at the girl's elan and determined it needed more than a etymological pacemaker; she needed an idiomatic defibrillator until a solecismic transplant could be found.

Alas, the girl finally relented to the doctor's orders to keep quiet. She retrieved her buckskin gloves from the carriage house and began to tend to her other projects while she waited for Francis de Sales to resurrect her elegiac heart.

As she plunged her spade underneath the expanding roots of an invasive weed, her eyes caught something moving over in the distance by the brick wall. A small rounded tuft of fur stopped and twitched its nose at her as their eyes met. A smile crossed the furball's lips as it produced a pocket watch from its breast pocket, winked at the girl, and hopped away.