In Case of Emergency, Remove Bra

For your dirty-bomb-terrorist-attack, shelter-in-place, hysteria-inducing survival kit, load up on plastic sheeting, duct tape, and red frilly bras. Not that you’d need the bra for entertainment. Usually if one is holed up in an airtight space with poisonous gases outside and a limited amount of oxygen inside, any type of undergarment would be superfluous. But a bra just might save your life.

A Ukrainian doctor has invented the Emergency Bra, inspired by her first-hand eyewitness of the effects of Chernobyl. Once off, which most adults can do one-handed, the cups separate into two masks which are then placed over the nose and mouth to filter out harmful particulates.

Now whenever a terrorist drops a dirty bomb in the city center, we women have the means to save our lives. And we get to pick which nearby man we might also want to save. Choose wisely, gals, ‘cause he better be eternally thankful.

Finally! A legitimate excuse for men to nuzzle women’s chests without getting slapped. “But I was just trying out the gas mask.”